I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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