apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
