If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Too much gin, very little bucket
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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