haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
