I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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