I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
