I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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