Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
