I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
