i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
