walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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