um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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