we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
