If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
