I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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