I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
