So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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