I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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