Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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