So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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