She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
50% drunk capacity currently
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
