Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
