I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
