I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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