I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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