Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
he fucked my hip out of place.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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