She went from zero to smokin in five shots
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
