Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
It's never too late to be topless.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I was not drunk enough for that final.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
