I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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