I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
