All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
