True but thats because hes a fetus.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
