I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
