im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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