apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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