if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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