I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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