Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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