Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
