This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
How drunk are you?
Completed.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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