I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
