rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
