I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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