Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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