I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
