Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
