If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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