I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
