if i can run in heels then i can drive
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
