So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
